As we approached the Church of St. Mary, and again the Holy Cross cemetery in North Arlington where my goddaughter and niece Selina was laid to rest, we heard the mournful, reverent, and dignified sound of a solo bagpiper. It symbolizes the piper leading the departed to the Hereafter, yet stopping short of the Gate through which the piper cannot pass.
It’s been said that the loss of someone you love is immeasurable but so is the love left behind. Selina was a graduate of Centenary College receiving a bachelor's and master's degree’s in counseling psychology. She was a counselor for Bergen County Superior Court in Hackensack. According to her father and my brother-in-law Joseph McAllister, Selina’s real passion was horses. Selina owned many horses throughout the years. She showed horses professionally in both New Jersey and Idaho for 15 years. She also received many ribbons in competitive events. Selena is survived by her parents, Joseph, my sister Josephine Augustine McAllister, her loving daughter Zaila, and her brothers Joseph Jr., and Jake.
The most difficult realities that we—as a family—had to reconcile was Selina's tragic shortened lifespan. She was only 40 years old when she died, and the fact that it occurred on her beloved daughter Zaila’s 13th birthday, was too much to bear. The first thing that people notice about Selina (a variant of Selene meaning goddess) were her beautiful, radiant blue eyes and how her face lit up the room when she smiled. She had a huge capacity for kindness and empathy for others. She was feisty and outspoken at times, had a good sense of humor, and would do anything for anyone.
When a loved one dies it makes sense to turn to rituals to help us put our lives back together again. Grief is chaotic and disorienting. It rips our world apart. In fact, the word “bereaved" comes from the root word “reave,” which means to be robbed by force. The elements of a "healing funeral" are rituals that work together to restore order to our lives after everything is torn apart by the chaos and pain created by the death of someone who was much beloved.
What I love about funerals, is that they can heal a family torn apart by squabbles or misunderstandings. Bearing witness to the finite nature of life can spur loved ones to put life into perspective and let go of old grievances and simply share in their mutual grief. I was given the honor by Joe and Josie to deliver the eulogy at the Calhoun-Mania Funeral Home on their behalf. Then, there was attending the memorial mass at the beautiful Church of St. Mary in Rutherford, NJ, while the priest did the liturgy and readings, and administered the Holy Communion wafer.
During my flight home from Newark Airport to San Francisco, I was reminded of all that took place during the last few days. As I was waiting for the Uber driver to take me home, I was feeling melancholy, until I received a response from my Facebook post from Selina’s friend Gambel who shares with her husband Kevin Mccarthy that boosted my spirits: “Our hearts are broken too,” she said. “Selina loved and trusted her Uncle Dennis so much…this I know for sure,” she said. "She spoke of you often and always with love and respect. The same way she loved your brother Michael who passed and adored your brother Steve. My condolences to all.” Gambel added that her daughters have been Zaila’s best friends since they were 2 years old, and that she can assure me that she will do her very best to enhance Zaila’s life while keeping her mother’s love for her alive. Gambel was the sister of TJ Tarantino, Selina’s dear friend who passed away 1.5 years ago.
Postscript: The repast luncheon was hosted by the McAllisters at Mr Bruno and a private family dinner was hosted at PF Chang’s by my nephew Jake McAllister
